Perspective, Re-examined

I reached out to my coach the other day and pulled her into my pandemic pity party:

“I’ve been in a bit of a tailspin... 
My youngest finished college in December and even though he’s working (was working - he’s a teacher) we were looking forward to seeing him walk across the stage and accept his diploma and graduate with honors.
His girlfriend is a pediatric nurse- she’s working but at risk every day.
My oldest son was to be married in Greece two weeks later… that’s on hold now. He works weekends tending bar (or he did… the bars are closed now), is studying to be a realtor and works at UPS part-time- I hope he’s safe.
His fiancée is a professional ballerina with no place to perform but she’s found a way to teach online.
And my husband is compromised with a paralyzed diaphragm …
The work and stress of the last 3 weeks have been unbelievable.
And now that I’ve typed it out I feel better.
I’m reading and journaling every day. Walking most days and food is on point for the most part~ some comfort food here and there but mostly “healthy”
Wine consumption is up, as I’m sure you can imagine…”

I clicked SEND and felt better for a minute or two. Unsettled thoughts caused me to walk back to my office, open up my PN Today page and scroll back to my message center. I reread my words- they make sense and they convey the feeling that have me feeling out of sorts… a perfectly clear message, right??

One more read through and I see it… and I’m ashamed:

“His girlfriend is a pediatric nurse- she’s working but at risk every day.”

I have always felt blessed when it came to my family… the dear Lord knew what he was doing when he gave me boys. The busy, frequently late, lack of detail side of me couldn’t have raised a girl the way she would have wanted, but the loud, opinionated, love to cook part of me did a helluva good job with my boys. And my boys became men and they met wonderful women who have become like daughters to me.

Madi is in love with my youngest son. She is beautiful~ sweet and gifted with a wonderful laugh. She is strong and confident enough to compliment the personality that is Sam. She graduated a little less than a year ago with her RN, following in the footsteps of her mother, grandmother and aunt.
She spent the first days (rather, overnights) of her career on the mom/baby floor at Mercy Hospital in Des Moines. The “can’t wait-to-be-a-grandma” part of me thought THAT would be the perfect job… snuggling babies and teaching baths- who cares if you have to sleep when the sun is high in the sky??
Madi thought the job was pretty awesome too, but when a daytime opportunity in Pediatrics presented itself at our local clinic, she was quick to choose nighttime sleep and a regular life with our son.

She seems so well suited for this life… she loves kids and is reasonable and calm. Thankfully, I haven’t needed to call on her nursing skills in our home, but I’m confident she is good at what she does!

Once or twice a week, our sweet girl leaves the quiet of the main building to work in the Upper Respiratory clinic, set up in our hometown to care for those who might be contagious. Once or twice a week, she trades her own cute scrubs for clinic provided scrubs (and gowns and gloves and masks and hairnets and shields). Once or twice a week she moves through a process to protect herself and the patients she serves only to go through a reverse process to protect and disinfect herself eight hours later.

And every time I ask about her job, she smiles and tells me it’s good. She shares which doctor she worked with on a given day and tells stories about the nurses who have become her friends and mentors.
Not once has she said, “I screwed up” or “it’s unfair” or “I wish…” Not once.

So, although I believe my pity party was ok (short-term and over at that moment), there really are others being affected in ways so much more profound.

I resolve from this moment forward to search for the good and beautiful in my life. I’ll reschedule without complaint and plan parties for a later time. I’ll find ways to make things better for those who are suffering or who are on the front lines protecting us. I will do my best to be a good citizen and stay home. I’ll watch out for my neighbors and I’ll care for my family. I’ll eat well and move and get enough sleep.
And most importantly…

I Will Be Happy.

xoxo