Mirror, Mirror…
look at me and show me what the others see…

Hello friends. It’s been a long time- almost two years in fact.
I’d like to blame Covid, but everyone does that!
So I’m just going to tell you the truth…

I disappeared because I didn’t feel worthy to be writing a health and wellness blog when my health and wellness was in a slow spin out of control. I could blame it on 101 things- but who will that help?
Certainly not me.
I haven’t been posting but I have been writing- every day. I’ve been recording my story from the memories that so many of you played a part in. Memories from childhood, memories from my early years of parenthood and years when I worked with thousands of you at the gym.
As I recorded my stories, I remembered the words we spoke and the emotions we shared; emotions that were most often tied to either “success” or “failure”. I remember being able to see through your frustration to the accomplishments that made it all worthwhile. I remember each and every sweaty touch given to let you know, I saw you- and I noticed you could do something new. I remember every smile and every tear.

But through my writing I was unable to identify a time when I did that for myself. I could list several personal accomplishments along the way, but each achievement I checked off was really just to prove I could… I could finish it… I could do it better… I could be enough.

__________

I am the biological daughter of a perfectionist and a caretaker, which means (in my un-counseled opinion), I will never be good enough, but it’s OK.
At the top of every mountain in my life, I wanted to shout “I told you I could win” but when I reached the valleys, whether personally or professionally, I realized he was right- I’d never be good enough and she was wrong- It wasn’t ok.
When I was still working, I scaled the terrain pretty easily- highs and lows at a rate that made me feel good most days. But upon retirement, I found myself with too much time on my hands. I hid and I was lazy and I indulged in ALL. THE. THINGS. I lived a very disciplined life for a long, long time and when I quit, I quit all the way. I gained weight, regained my pre-gym, Eyeore-like, poor me attitude and tried to make myself feel better by running everyone else’s life (my poor family- God bless them for tolerating my micro-managing attempts to “be enough”).

So far, I’ve lived a good, good life. I’ve never been hungry or uncomfortable or sick. I grew up with close family connections, great coaches and teachers. I had a career I was proud of. I have friends who are a great source of inspiration and joy. I have sons (and now daughters!) that amaze me . And I am blessed to love someone who loves me in return (even with all of my faults).

So what was the problem?

_________

In the spring of 2021, I received an email alerting me to an opportunity to fly away to beautiful California for a writers workshop. I had never considered myself a writer, but I was certainly a blogger. I allowed myself to dream for all of 32 seconds and dashed from my little office space to discuss the email with Jeff. He didn’t even hesitate- “Go! If this is what you want to do… Go!”
So I did. I flew to San Diego and headed to The Oaks, where Bob Goff and Kimberly Stuart were hosting the intimate gathering. I wrote and I shared. This “not enough” girl put on my “let’s pretend hat” and shared ideas with REAL writers! And it felt so good- like I might actually have a story.
I’ve been playing around with those words for over a year. Writing here and there. Ear-marking journal entries and talking to my notes app as I’m walking around the lake. Compiling all of my crazy thoughts and beautiful memories into something real and good.

Earlier this year, I was attempting to compile my ideas into something that made sense. No matter how I organized it or what I did, I kept producing a gym manual… How to lose weight. How to eat. How to move.
Again, the doubt… “Look at yourself? Who’s going to believe you?”
There were even random posts on social media: ‘Never trust a trainer who doesn’t look like they go to a gym’. I thought, “That’s it- another waste of time… maybe I can write a devotional for out-of-shape, out-of-touch nutritionists.”

I went for a walk (in all honesty, I probably went for a cry). While I was walking, I started talking to myself. And as I continued talking, I found myself praying. And as I continued praying, I found myself realizing that the reason I couldn’t feel better and I couldn’t maintain a healthy lifestyle was greatly due to the fact that I didn’t love myself along the way. I tricked and traded myself into success each and every time I accomplished something. I’d reach rock bottom, give up everything I needed (family time, sleep, pain free days, and chocolate) to acquire what I thought wanted (thin, fit, important, enough).
We were not made to be unhappy and deprived and sore… we were made to be happy and healthy and completely in love with who we are in each and every moment in our lives. And Yes, I do believe EVERY BODY IS BEAUTIFUL, but I also believe we have a responsibility to take care of ourselves; to be healthy and to avoid self-made sickness.

I’ve continued walking. I’ve continued talking a lot to the ones who love me for who I am and praying to the One who knows who I was made to be. The selfie above is of Jeff and I wandering around in the sunflower field on a beautiful fall day on our first good day after battling covid a couple weeks ago (yes… we waited two full years to finally get the virus). It’s an example of one of the small, seemingly unimportant, wonderful moments that has made this year special.

Next week, I’m jetting away again, to the hope*writers conference. I’m excited to to meet other writers and to learn from some of the best. On my business card it says writer. My husband tells people I’m a writer and finally when I look in the mirror, I see it too.

Mirror, Mirror: Learning to Love the Woman You See While Becoming the One You’re Meant to Be

… coming soon ;)

Be happy.

xoxo Kim